Run and hide, no one will blame you

There are mysteries that mankind has struggled to understand, the cosmos, the Mariana trench, the space-time continuum. But nothing has perplexed the scientific community, or modern thought, more than the inexplicable mind of the belly. Why I thought I could plumb these depths, I do not know. A little known fact: Stephen Hawking first began his studies in the psychology of pregnant women but abandoned it in favor of something easier- contemplating the cosmos. (it's true, look it up....well maybe it's not true but it seems reasonable, doesn't it?). Understanding the mind of the belly is not simply a vexing academic exercise for yours truly, it is the daily struggle for survival. Why the thoughts manifest themselves they way they do and the logic behind them leave me exhausted. I am trying to be empathetic, I really am, but sometimes I am rendered speechless faced with the logic and needs of the belly.

Last evening, on an otherwise uneventful night of dinner(the número uno priority) the belly announced that maybe she wasn't pregnant, and was, in fact, just fat. Now what would you say? Would you roll your eyes and essentially dismiss this statement as pure silliness not worthy of a response? Me too. You and I would be so very, very wrong.

For whatever reson, and in spite of all evidence, this thought had lodged in the belly's brain, and like epoxy, it had hardened and was not be dislodged by my feeble attempts of reason... Nor a jackhammer for that matter. You see there is no logic like belly logic. It is unshakable, unstoppable, and unmovable. Like an UFO believer, or a Elvis-is-still-alive wing nut, the belly was not to be derailed by mere trifle evidence. If anything the empirical facts only contribute to the conspiracy that everyone: me, the first response corporation( I know that's not their real name but I'm too lazy to go look at the box) obi-wan-va-jay-jay, the bastard stick, and the sonogram people is actually in cahoots to mislead her and she is not eating for two, but really just eating to get fat.

Now I and the belly have looked at the sonograms while in progress, and at 5 months there is no denying that the belly's dimensions are the outcome of the bun in the oven. But still, the belly looked at me with all seriousness and announced that we should stop what we were doing and take......a.... Pregnancy....test.

Ooooohhhkaaayyy, "honey I really don't think that is necessary at this point". To which the belly said, "why not, we still have one don't we?". Well, my friends what do you say now? Do you humor it and go open the test? Or do you take the easy road of cowardice? Any of you in my spot know the answer. You fake stomach pains and excuse yourself to the bathroom until the belly gets tired and goes to bed. I ain't proud, but I got a good nights sleep. They say modern man exists because its prehistoric ancestors were small rodents that hid in the rocks and crevasses away from the flesh eating reptile dinosaurs.

Man, I know how they felt.