One step forward, two steps back

Been busy at work and haven't had time to update, so let me catch you up. Last week was relatively uneventful, we have settled into the doldrums of the 2nd trimester. Everybody knows the belly has arrived, and the newness has worn off. How quickly we went from from enthusiasim for the new pregnancy to to "how is the belly feeling". Which leads quickly to "enough about you, let me tell you about me, my kids, my blah, blah blah". The second trimester is the anticlimax of the the belly world, excitement ebbs, the symptoms subside, and you are stuck in a holding pattern as thrilling as waiting for the plane to land. Not unlike the flight, the takeoff makes your pulse quicken, and the g-forces pin you back in your seat, once in the air you realize you are stuck with a mass of humanity you don't really want to be with, the air is stale, the food is bad, and you have to wait in line to pee.

Since I've been gone the belly has had only a couple of head turning moments, one being last week. At work I got a text from they belly that read "what were we thinking? I can't believe we are going to have a baby!". Now a lesser man might be compelled to to empathize, to re-affirm the nervousness and anxiety of the impending babydom. But let uncle deebs give you some advice; do not, and I mean never ever agree with the belly about second guessing the road you have taken. This would be catastrophic, oh no, my friend, your job is to provide unwavering support and confidence in the babyness. My initial reaction was to say "I know, I'm nervous and scared and wonder why we thought this was a good idea.". Thank almighty god I did no such thing. Instead I texted back (a quick aside, texting is a double edge sword, you can give a reasponse without allowing the belly a chance to scrutinize your facial expression which would certainly give away your game, but you also provide evidence which can be used later to club you over the head) "no need to worry, our love is so great that it is too much for two people to keep to themselves, it is and our baby is just the outcome of all the extra love we have". Sounds good doesn't it? The best part of being an old dude is we know how to handle a situation! Well played sir, if I don't say so myself. The belly was calm, the belly was happy, and that is the best possible thing for yours truly.

The second update is the realization that he belly has no filter to the things it says. You know that little voice in your head that stops you from saying things you might be thinking, lest those around you would think to themselves, "you are a crazy bastard"? Well, the belly arrived and evidently took that voice and put it in a full Nelson and choked the life out of the poor f***er. For example the belly evidently had a whole argument with me about the size of the bed the 16 year-od wanted. I distinctly remember never having a conversation where the belly and I disagreed on what size she wanted. But when we went shopping for said bed, and the pronouncement was made that queen was the necessary size, the belly turned to me and exclaimed: "I told you!". Now I'm willing to admit when I am wrong, but what do you do with with a proclamation of how you were wrong when you never expressed an opinion? The answer is: you don't. There is no limit to the issues with which you must not respond. Your best bet is to take a deep breath and look at the floor. Listen up my fellow GBP's (Gonna be poppa's) the floor is your best friend, look at it often. When questions come your way, do not be tempted to be answer (or god forbid argue). Just look at the floor, it is your most trusted companion. Walking away will only trigger the attack response from the belly and it will chase you like a lioness chasing an antelope, it will not rest until you are caught, brought down and dis-emboweled. There will be any number of statements by the belly that require no response from you whatsoever.

For instance, when the belly looks at your feet in you new sandles and says "we should paint your toenails". Your job is to continue you to cook food for the belly and pretend you didn't hear the crazy shit she just said. Somtimes however this can lead to some awkward silences on the phone. Let me give you a scenario:

Me calling the belly on the phone: "how are you feeling"

Belly: "I've been choking on my own spit all morning"

Me: uhhh, where do you want me to take you to lunch"

You see, it is not about being right. It is about being there. Your job is to reassure the belly, make sure it is happy, full, and well rested. Don't question, don't argue, and brother, you might make it out alive.

By the way, I know I won a point earlier, but tonight I made spaghetti and meatballs for dinner(made a green salad for those worried about my dietary responsibility) but due to some genetic defiencincy I put the sauce ON TOP OF THE NOODLES! I swear I'm as dumb as they come. The belly didn't yell, but gave me the look that said "I have half your DNA in my gut and I am seriously wondering if I have made a huge mistake". Maybe she did, but hey, I aint all bad, at least I made a salad....

Penalized for stupidity:

Belly: 312
Me: 1, but minus 5 for the sauceness error