Now we have said before that belly logic is unlike any other logic. Some say it's a higher form of consciousness somehow springing from the consanguineous connection of two bodies joined through the miracle of birth. But with the belly it seems like only the basics are covered. It's as if on Maslow's hierarchy she never gets off the first rung. So given this formidable task you must be prepared my friends in fatherdom, you cannot rest and you must be ever vigilant.
Let me give you an example: the other day I went to the store to buy the belly some Popsicles, I got home, and put a new unopened box of Popsicles into the freezer. The belly asked for a red one, which is by far the favorite. (as a matter of fact we put all the green and orange ones in the deep freeze to give to all the kids during the summer) However after giving her the requested red popsicle the notion struck a few minutes later that one popsicle simply would not do. The belly went to the freezer to get said popsicle and came back and immediately glared at me asking in all seriousness, “did you hide all the red Popsicles!?” now my immediate response was to gather the belly in my arms, hold her close, look lovingly into her eyes and whisper softly, “Darling I love you, but- you. are. bat. shit. crazy.”
However, this impulse was quickly suppressed, and in an instinctual flash of self preservation, and I leapt from my chair to dig through the box until a popsicle of the red variety was secured. The belly padded off happily and calm was restored.
Item numero dos:
You would think the belly would focus on the great news from the sonogram. Spine was there(thank you daddy for going to get the folic acid) two arms, two legs, three vessels in the umbilical cord(see previous post)good sized head etc. What was really great news, no, make that truly stupendous news was when the belly came back into the room and announced that she had in fact, lost a pound. As incredulous as I might have been, the belly was even more so. Little did I know that the phrase "shut up, I'm eating for two" would now be replaced with "I lost a pound". As I peered over last night’s cheeseburger, the belly looked me straight in the eye and said "don't look at me like that, I lost a pound"
The lost pound is evidently in great danger because the belly has been knocking me out trying to find it again. Two nights ago we went in search of that sucker via the Chinese food place. Now all of you will relate when I tell you the mood of the belly can best be plotted with perceived hungriness. And I had waited too long. Hungry had taken over. In one short trip, I was:
-Accused of deliberately not remembering the color the belly had chosen for the new dresser
-Got a back hand for rolling my eyes(my fault for getting caught)
-Told I was “driving stupid” (twice)
-Was told to quit being “so white”
I love the belly, I truly do, but man, does it have to be so hard for a guy to go get an eggroll?
The important lesson for all you in the preggo-boat with me, is there is a time to surrender as do as your told, and a time when you must stand your ground. You can’t be pushed around everyday of the nine months of bellydom! You have to be strong, courageous and lay down the law. Yes, my brothers-in-belly, it will be frightening, and it will be tough, and you will have to steel yourself against the torrent of hormonally charged emotions. There will be a time when you must be brave! You must not succumb fully to the tyranny of the belly!
That being said, if I ever find the time to stand my ground I’ll let you know.
Belly: however many points she wants
Me: -4 (I got one back for furniture moves)
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