Whoa nelly! I got a belly!

Let's talk about the dirty little secret amongst us belly guardians, that as we shepherd the belly through the maze of ups and downs, the ins and outs, the good, the bad, and the truly frightening; we are slowly trapped into the cycle of food. I have spent many hours in the preparation, pursuit, and delivery of food. What I didn't realize is that I would also begin to grow my waistline. I mean how do you constantly make sure there is something good to eat and then order a salad? Look at me now, it's almost 10 o'clock and what am I doing? Making turtle brownies. And will I eat them? Oh yeah baby! Do I need to eat them? Oh no baby! (by the way I'm sitting here in my sweatshirt and under a blankie even though it was 92 degrees today- the belly must be kept well chilled)

Empathy is a strong emotion, my concern for the belly is doing terrible things to my girlish figure. But how can I stop? I've tried serving vegetables, lean meats, and low fat treats. How does the belly receive these caring, thoughtful gestures? Let's just say the belly is less than pleased. Make some grilled chicken? First question from the belly is "where's the freakin' gravy, dude?". And I have learned if it ain't gotz gravy, it better have some butter and cheese instead. I apologize in advance to all the cows that will grow their udders in order to provide the creamy dairy products. Hey, at this point it's all about survival, and if it's me or a cow, all I can say is "bossie, you got your work cut out for you".

We are now in the phase which the instruction books have told us(damn them all to hell) that the baby will be doubling in size over the next four weeks. Good news for the belly is, "the baby is doubling in size" has replaced "I lost a pound" which replaced "I'm eating for two" which replaced "get outta my face I'm hungry". The trend, i fear is: keep the food coming bub, and don't stop 'till I tell you to.

On to some more mundane matters. At this point we went in for the glucose test. I'm not real clear on what that is, but all I know is I had to go to doc 'o babe and watch the belly drink a cup of flat orange drink, and then.....wait...a....long....ass....time. Then he put a tape measure on the belly and said "thank you very much, see you in a month". Clearly he doesn't get it. The belly needs something much more tangible. Like a report or a readout from a machine that goes beep, beep, beep. We di hear from the bastard stick, but by now we no longer fear it, in all it's staticy noise. We own you, you sorry piece of Doppler technology!

So we venture on into bellyhood, watching the big build happen and begin the dreaded next step, picking a name for the critter. More on that later......

My new Science: Bellyology

I know, I know, it has been more than a week since I updated my bellow bellyistas on how to cope with the tribulations of bellyness.  I had hoped to give a glowing report of a renewed sense of person and the re-emergence of my wife from the state of belly.  It appears the belly is here to stay.  But now that I have had time to spend among this strange creature, I like Jane Goodall herself have slowly gained the trust of the belly and have, while not accepted into the community, at least  I am allowed to sit quietly and observe the goings-on from a distance.  They say it takes time for creatures of the wild to grow used to normal humans, and eventually, once the sense you are no longer a threat, they carry on with their normal activities such as eating, sleeping, and screeching at the top of their lungs. 

You get to see the strange and wonderful nests they build.  Just how so many pillows can end up in one place is truly amazing. (quick aside- I resented the great wall of foam, also known as the body pillow, but I am slightly ashamed to admit I woke up the other day and I had co-opted the stupid thing from the belly.  It really is comfortable to sleep with……on second thought, I am very ashamed.)  You can watch how they roam from place to place munching on every sort of foodstuff. And observe the fierceness with which they lay claim to territory and defend it with a snarl and bearing of teeth. 

So, I have arranged the periods with which I have taken in my field observations, these are not exact, mind you, but more like general periods with which you can anticipate behavior, and if you so choose, you can take preventative action:

Weeks  0-4:  the excited times, all fun and anticipation, several pregnancy tests are taken

Weeks 4-8: the terrified times, all fear and apprehension, you both may experience difficulty breathing, first appearance of the bastard stick

Weeks 8-12:  the sleepy times, the ability of the belly to remain awake and upright is severely diminished. 

Weeks 12-16:  the grouchy times, keep your hands and fingers away from the belly, and always wear head protection

Weeks 16-20:  the quiet times, yes I said quiet.  A calm before the storm, you can sense the gathering energy of the atmosphere as the belly is about to begin the big build

Weeks 20-24:  The heavy times, the big build has begun and moving is getting increasingly difficult, your belly might ask you to “build me a step so I can climb into the bed

And last, the Belly has clearly established,

Weeks 1-40, the hungry times