Well now belly boyz, it has been a while since I've been here, but surely you understand my predicament. Much to do, and if I'm not steppin', I'm in big dutch with the belly. To say it has been quiet is a bit misleading, because nothing in belly world is ever truly quiet, just moments of serenity between a new crisis. The belly has been getting bigger and bigger, not resisting nature by any means, and it is not that far to the finish line.
I have to hand it to the belly, she has been taking it all in stride. Me? I'm not sure the activity in the abdominal region would be taken as nonchalantly. Bit-o-advice: do not make references to the critter's movements or the miracle of a living thing growing in your beloved's mid section as anything remotely resembling:
1. Weird
2. The creature from "Alien"
3. A giant gas bubble
4. Freaky
5. Any reference to movies in which the movement eventually ends in the the belly being exploded.
Just saying......
Now, on to the matter at hand. You will be asked to participate in the formation of the moniker of your unborn. You will be given several choices, and then asked to work on your own to determine the label that your progeny will be called for the rest of its life. These are weighty decisions, and you can't be expected to undertake this with nothing less than life-altering implications it will have.
Me? I never really gave names a second thought. If it were my choice we would all just get a number and identification would be easy. Not that names aren’t important for self identity and all, but I have always been of the opinion that names are just a crap shoot. Personality will take over any name. For example, one of my good friends is named Jay. Great guy, smart, kind, real success. I also know two other Jay’s, one is an idiot, and the other is a complete assbag. Did the name help or hurt? Neither. Names do not matter when all is said and done.
The belly, on the other hand, DOES NOT SHARE THIS INDIFFERENCE TOWARDS NAMES. Names are very important to the process of giving our little darling an identity that will define her success in later life. As a matter of fact, the belly informed me it is very, very, very, important to pick just the right one, and you can keep your stupid opinions and slipshod scientific analysis to yourself thank you very much.
I have to admit I always begin the review of the names proffered by the belly with how many mocking names I can make. You know, anything remotely sounding like, rhyming with, or having initials that could also stand for a body part (preferably near the genital area), act of procreation, bodily fluid, etc. Hey, sue me, I was a shit in grade school.
So after the belly had come up ideas I quickly shot them down with derogatory nicknames. What I didn't realize was the belly was expecting me to offer counter proposals. So I went on a website and picked the name "Katherine".
Big mistake.
And by big I mean never-even-seen-the-doghouse-I’m-in-now-big.
It started innocently enough. The belly and I were watching a little television when she asked again what I had come up with for an alternate to the name she had settled on. I had been stalling for a week or two with tepid responses to her idea along the lines of “it’s not that I dislike it, I just feel eh about it”
But my time had finally run out. I had to pony up something. So I threw out “Katherine”. I’m not crazy about it(see earlier discussion) but it had a good sturdy feel, classic, timeless you might say. I didn’t change my gaze from the television, but all of a sudden I felt the heat from her stare hit the side of my face like a blowtorch. Conversation that followed:
Belly: “Katherine????” she said, “where in the hell did you get Katherine?”
Stupid guy: “uh, I don’t know”
B: “What do you mean you don’t know”
SG: “I got it from a list of baby names”
B: “What list?”
SG: “uh.. something I saw on the internet”
B: “Something off the internet” The belly’s eyes narrowed suspiciously
SG: “yeah, um, I…uh.. can’t remember which …”
Staring continues, belly has now begun to lean toward me and I get the feeling that she is about to leap from the chair, grab me by each ear, and begin to bash my head against the back of the couch until my skull splits open. But that just may be the fear talkin’
B: “Really??? Katherine??? Why would you want to name her Katherine?????”
SG: “well…I….uuhhh….I…just always liked it, it’s a good sturdy name”
B: “Sturdy??? Sturdy???!!! STURDY????!!!”
SG: “Well I’m not married to it or anything, I just ….”
The belly hung her head in disgust. As all of you that signaled the last hope I have ever had of giving any input into the name of my daughter.
So, without any further ado, I am proud to introduce the soon to join us member of the household:
Layla Grace
(Must. Resist. Urge. To. Make. Nickname…………………………..)
